Malingering has been a problem in the workplace for thousands of years, at least since the building of the great pyramids of Egypt. Before modern science, malingering was thought to be the result of a weak will or sin. In the not-too-distant past, the most merciful thing an employer could do was fire those with the more serious cases of the mental illness once called “laziness.” Once those of us in the sciences realized that it was a disease, we had support groups like M.A. to help those who were powerless over their behavior because of this chronic condition. While many were helped, many fell through the cracks. With this terrible, incurable disease, no treatment was very effective and many died homeless on the streets.
For those who are ignorant of the science, as the photos below show, malingering is clearly a brain disease. Compare the brain of the malingerer on the left with the normal brain in the center. Recent advances in medicine have found great success in treating malingering and malingering, once the scourge of the workplace, can now be successfully treated. It can now be treated so well that someone who is a chronic malingerer, with correct treatment, can be a far better worker than the average. In the factory, this means increased production, increased international competitiveness, and most importantly, happier well-adjusted, and grateful employees. Not that anyone concerns themselves with such things, but the cost of labor drops by roughly three quarters.
Among the newest medications for this sometimes fatal disease is Enlivia™. Enlivia was developed by a team of researchers led by Howard E. Makemwork of the Harvard Biochemical Institute. Among the great advantages of Enlivia™ according to Dr. Makemwork is that workers just don’t want to sit around and be lazy. If properly medicated, they want to get to work right away and don’t want to stop. And work they will until given Relax-eez™ at the end of their shift. The fact that a medication cures malingering removes all lasting doubt that malingering is a disease treatable by restoring the brain’s proper chemical balance.
In the photos above, one can see the clear scientific evidence that Enlivia™ causes the brain to work even better than in the normal brain. On the left one sees a gray, gloomy brain. This is the brain of the average factory worker most of the time at work. In the middle, with a normal amount of coloration, is the brain of a corporate president. This is the normal brain. The treated brain on the right shows that Enlivia™ is the healthier, far superior, brain. It is the brain everyone wants for their staff. For malingerers, one of the prime symptoms of the disease of malingering is not wanting to take medication to help them be well. With Enlivia™, not only does their resistance to good mental health care melt away, but workers become far better than just well.
A great advantage of Enlivia™ is that after a brief adjustment period, workers appreciate the little boost they get during the workday from having normal brain chemistry temporarily restored. No longer do employees whine and cry to go home after 14 or 16 hours on the job. No one knows why, but Enlivia™ has been shown to have the side effect of also curing unionomania in 99.97% of cases. Workers will work overtime without complaint. They will work until they drop dead. Of course, no employer wants this and the manufacturer of Enlivia™ cautions that no employee should ever work longer than 20 hours in a shift and always should be given free time to attend recovery meetings to maintain their attitude of gratitude. No factory that spares their employees the best treatment available, Enlivia™, has ever had a case of strikophilia break out. Why this is has not yet been determined. Says Frederick Fagan, the production manager of the McWorkem Tildeth factory in Centerville, New Jersey,
“During the first few days a few of the most difficult employees, the former union activists and other communist agitators often object strenuously and must be court-ordered to inpatient treatment for their disease until treatment with Enlivia™ begins taking effect. However, after only a few days, all employees can be expected to appreciate this very effective treatment for malingering. They not only are lined up waiting to clock in and go to work in the morning, every morning, and on time, but they appreciate all we do for them. They no longer complain, as malingerers are wont to do, that the gruel served nightly for dinner is somehow not good enough or that a three minute bathroom break once a day is not long enough.”
With your first order for Enlivia™, Modern Pharmaceuticals will send a free peer support team. These are workers who have banded together on their own with no corporate involvement whatsoever to help other workers have a happy and productive workplace. Coming from peers who are recovering malingerers themselves, their support can persuade all but the worst of the unfortunates among your workers, the ones who were probably born that way, to in short order do what is best for them.
From a worker who at one time was reduced to living on the streets and eating out of garbage cans because of his disease,
“I was useless. I was worthless. I was lazy. Just 16 or 18 hours a day and after a couple of weeks on the job, I got depressed and wanted to lay around and do nothing. Then I’d get fired. Life was all dark shades of gray and black. I had even considered suicide. Brain scans had even shown my brain in dark shades of gray and gloominess but still I resisted Enlivia™. Then one day I got lucky and was arrested for sleeping on the street after getting kicked out of my apartment. With a nudge from the judge, with deferred prosecution, I was sent to treatment.
In treatment, along with attending peer support group meetings with other malingerers, I began taking Enlivia™. In only a few days, my brain lit right up. I found I couldn’t sit still for a minute and was dying to go to work, to do any work. Things haven’t been the same since. I now have meaning and purpose. I now feel alive again. I can now work 16 or 18 hours a day, never being lazy and never losing my gratitude. My disease, while I know it is off doing push-ups out of sight, doesn’t scare me at all, not as long as I take my Enlivia™ and attend my peer support groups. The only time I want to leave work is to attend my M.A. meetings. I now am able to spend all my free time helping others to overcome their malingering. For that I am truly grateful.”
Of course, Enlivia™ isn’t a perfect treatment and it isn’t for everyone. During the first few weeks, employees must be watched to see that they take their medication. Sometimes, the agitators will only pretend to take their medication. They will slip it under their tongue and when they think no one is looking, they will spit it out. In such cases, sometimes it is best to have the factory mental health expert order the implantation of the No Complaint™ automatic dispenser. The No Complaint™ medication dispenser is placed high up within the rectum of a patient while the patient is under general anesthesia. Since it is out of view, the patient never knows it has been implanted so it won’t be removed. The only thing they notice is that they are rapidly recovering. It is only in the tiny percentage of workers that are constitutionally incapable of being honest that there isn’t the quickest of recoveries. See the article on page 47 about this great new medical assistant.
Even with Enlivia™ without No Complaint™, after just a few weeks escape from work drops to almost zero. The expense of monitoring workers drops by as much as 75 percent.
No longer must workers be carefully monitored under heavy guard on their way to and from the sleeping quarters. Just one monitor will usually suffice for as many as 20 workers as long as they have been given their nightly dose of Relax-eez. No longer must one pay the expense of having escapees hunted down and sent for expensive medical rehabilitation. No one who has been on Enlivia™ for six weeks has ever needed the medical amputation of a foot to keep him from running away. This is not only good for the company, but good for the worker as well.
As reported in the American Worker’s Mental Health Institute’s “Journal For the Care of the Worker”, “Enlivia™ does indeed make workers the epitome of what well-adjusted and cooperative workers should be. They work hard at producing maximum output for their short lives without pay obediently and without complaint.”
It is an employer’s obligation to ensure his employees get the best of treatment. Saving a few dollars on mental health treatment costs in the long run. It is an employer’s obligation to have the Human Resources department have the EAP prescribe Enlivia™ to all workers who are in need of it. A caring employer understands that he owes it to them. An intelligent and caring employer knows it is for their own good and delay in treatment of this terrible disease can be fatal.
* Enlivia (racemic desoxy-nor-ephedrine) and Relax-eeze (dihydromorphine) are trademarks of Modern Pharmaceuticals.
* No Complaint US patent no. US999999999.