I found this web site after my wife (we'll call her Doris), left December 30, 2005, to go to a treatment center. This was after a previous night of drinking and arguing with me. I was drinking that night as well. She left that night and went to her daughter's house. I understand that she drank more the next morning and then after that had her daughter take her to Midway Airport in Chicago so she could fly to Jacksonville, Florida to go get some treatment.
I will give you a little history. I do this not to bore anyone or to appear as a martyr. This is just so anyone reading this can see what to expect if they find themselves in a similar situation. So please take the time to read through this.
We have been married for 21 years as of this last December. It is my first marriage, her fourth. We both have always used a lot of alcohol. My wife likes weed as well, and she introduced me to it. I am not real fond of it and have only used it a few times. She has two daughters, from two different previous marriages. Doris was adopted when she was 4 or 5 years of age. When we got married she was working for me. I owned a mail-order company with about 40 employees. This company later went bankrupt and I now work for a family business since 1987.
After getting married we bought a house and tried to live the normal American life. We picked up her kids on the weekends. Visited with her mother and dad (adopted). Some times were good. Some times were bad. Doris decided it was best not to work for me anymore and she would be a stay at home wife. We took in her lesbian sister who is an alcoholic and her and Doris spent the days together and with our neighbors while I went to work. Later I found out that some of Doris's old boyfriends were still in the picture. She found some new boyfriends and at one point I moved out of the house. This went back and forth. Together — apart. It had an effect on my thinking ability and then my company went bankrupt and the house and everything else was gone. All during this time I was drinking. I had an affair. Mainly just to prove to myself that I could. She was. And more than that out of spite. After losing my business and everything else I owned, I picked myself up and continued living life. Doris and I reconciled. Separated. Reconciled. Went to counselors. I filed for divorce and then dropped it. She filed for divorce and then dropped it. All during this time we both were drinking. From most people's standpoint way too much.
At one point, about ten years into the marriage, her father passed away. We were separated at the time. She was living with a boyfriend. I went to the funeral and drank heavily because it was not where I wanted to be. I did not want to deal with Doris or her family. I drove home drunk and passed out. The next day I was so screwed up in the head that I went to AA. I was not really screwed up only because of drinking but because of everything that was going on in my life.
I went to a meeting and told the group everything that was going on in my life. I think I was the classic Big Book example. I lost my business, my wife, I owed the IRS money, etc. They really latched onto me. I got a sponsor and started working a program. Everyone at any meeting I attended with the exception of one guy, said to me get a divorce whenever Doris came up in conversation. I am from the old school that believes that marriage is a one time thing. It is forever. So I was dismayed at this advice but I still continued to work on my program. I went to many, many meetings. I met people who outside of AA I would never have anything to do with. I saw men try to pickup and victimize vulnerable women. And I saw women do the same. I met people of both sexes that I think were absolutely crazy degenerates. I also met some decent and honest people who were trying to come to grips with life and solve their problems. This went on for two years. I did not have a drop of alcohol in any way.
I went to more and more meetings and at some point I found another sponsor. My original sponsor was strange in more ways than one. My new sponsor was very aggressive and would come to my house and ring the doorbell if I did not want to go to a meeting. I wasn't drinking I just wanted some quiet time. At this point I started questioning everything the people in AA were saying. I was told I was in denial. I had a disease. The more I questioned, the more aggressively I was attacked. I consider myself an old hillbilly. I have only a high school education but I have common sense. I also try to be a Christian. I believe in God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. The people I knew in AA would have no part in this. They believe that the Big Book is more important than the Bible. That the worst sin of all is drinking. I do not believe this. After a while, my sponsor told me that he was told by his sponsor to drop me. I was pretty much told not to come back. This man is a decent, caring guy. He has since been to the store where I work and is always kindly toward me. >
So I stopped going to AA and I didn't drink. For how long I really don't know. But I did drink and I got drunk. My life was falling apart again. I called my old strange sponsor and of course he was there for me. I think I called him because I didn't know what else to do. I had moved out of state with my wife. She had left and I was lost. I had started drinking again. But I think I only used him as a crutch because I knew in my gut that it was not drinking but my life that I had screwed up because of bad decisions. I came back to Chicago and worked hard to put my life in order. I did this in spite of drinking and no AA. My wife and I reconciled. We bought a house and continued with life.
We both continued to drink for many years. I continued to work and tried to better our life. Doris continued to fight with friends and family. She was unhappy with her kids. Unhappy with her mother. Unhappy with me. I am quick on the draw in bed. And she has gained some weight. So for her sex became a major issue. I love her and want her no matter what she weighs. So this cycle continued until we are where we are today. And this is the whole point of why I wrote this article.
I know by the end of this year I will be divorced. Not by my choice. But because of a treatment center, counselors and AA. And really not because of Doris. My wife left without any discussion with me.
Beware. The treatment centers tell you that all is covered by your insurance. It is not. My wife put $1,500.00 on one of her credit cards. She doesn't know which one. The insurance company sent me a letter that the treatment was not covered. My wife called and said that the payment amount was $246.00 per month. For how many months? When I called and asked about it I was told don't worry. It is covered. I wish I could run a business with that cavalier attitude. No explanation. Just don't worry. I have sent clothes, money and cigarettes. I already know that this is just a con. If you can unilaterally go to a facility, why do you need me to provide you with essentials, like clothes, money, cigarettes?
And even my stepdaughter wonders why do you have to go to Florida. It is a long way from Illinois. There is no communication. You have ten minutes of phone conversations when you are called. You cannot place a call to the patient yourself. And most of the time the conversations are on a speaker phone with the "therapist" on the line. You would have better communication with someone in prison.
A week ago, my wife asked me to go to an AA meeting and find her a temporary sponsor. I went last Sunday and heard a good speaker. When I asked for help, the people looked at me like I was crazy. They were more interested in making sure I kept coming back and what did I get out of the meeting. I asked a simple question for help but it fell on deaf ears because they have ears but cannot hear. I later called an AA phone line and left a message. I was called back by a man named Max who seemed to understand. He
said he would have a lady call me back the next day. It is now almost a week. No response. Later my wife told me it was all a mistake. She found a sponsor in Florida. Talk about the blind leading the blind.
Earlier this week I called Lakeview and talked to someone in authority. I explained my concerns and he seemed to understand. He said he would look into the problems I addressed. I received a call from my wife and the therapist. They arranged a family session on the phone. When I was treated as an idiot I became angry and challenged the therapist. Since then my wife has said I caused a problem. Her attitude toward me has been hostile. I am scheduled to go to Lakeview for family therapy on January 25-27. I already know it is a waste of time. The therapist says I should consider my addiction. In other words I am the problem. Because I ask questions. Because I challenge the status quo.
I really do not want to go to this family session because I realize it is a waste of time and money. I will go because I love my wife. Because I value my marriage. My wife has problems with issues like the fact that she was adopted, that her biological family is less than desireable, that she has four marriages, that she has two kids from different marriages, that at one point she sent her kids back to their fathers since she felt that was best, that her biological parents blamed all of her shortcomings on genetics, that we have a problem in our marriage, that I am not world's greatest husband, that we have financial problems, that we have no real friends, that she has a conflict with her oldest daughter. The list goes on and on. Like all of us struggling to live life. But the funny thing is that the treatment center does not allow any contact to deal with these issues. It is only alcohol. THAT IS INSANITY.
So I know that the simple answer to all of this is that if I am a paid employee of a treatment center - you must get a divorce. We cannot have anyone challenge our treatment and our 12 steps. He is the problem. Why? Because he challenges us. He does not lie down and go along with the glad-handing. My wife needs help. The treatment center is not going to give it to her. They have already proven that to me.
So in closing, I already know what lies before me. That is sad. If I were to go along with everything that the therapist, AA and the rest want, I would be okay. If I question it, I am bad. It seems to me that they are all in it for the money. They really do not treat the person individually. They just have cliches that everyone is supposed to fit into. When you take away the individual essence of a person and put them into a category or group you are just like the nazis.
I know I will be divorced before the end of the year. It is based upon my not going along with the program. I love my wife. I would do anything for her. But I cannot become a robot or flunkie to just stay married. This is what the therapists, AA and the rest want. There will come a time that those who promote this evil will for pay it. I really do not believe it is based upon ignorance but upon greed.
So I will update this later and unfortunately I already know the outcome. I wonder how many lives have been destroyed by this sick "therapy". AA teaches irresponsibility. I was told this myself. I didn't go along with it because I was raised differently. If you are weak or looking for a quick fix you will.
I question authority all the time. This is our right. If you cannot question authority and ideas you might as well be a slave or dead. AA and the treatment centers do not allow this. They have proven this to me. And they really do not care about the consequences of what they set in motion.
If you get stuck in this situation, please do not allow yourself to be a sucker. I went to Al-Anon and had women who tried to pick me up. If you are a playboy this is great. If you are a normal person, you see it for what it is.
I welcome any comments as I am struggling to live my life one day at a time. But responsibly.