It's been almost four years since my last Asshole Anonymous meeting, thank God! But let me start from the beginning.
I was 15 years old when I was first introduced to A.A. through a drug treatment center. I was busted in school at the time for some pot and was given a choice to either go to treatment or get expelled from school, I was a big trouble maker at the time. I decided to go to treatment, also because I was having problems at home.
The lady who counseled me was a very caring and sweet person, I still think about her once in awhile so I don't think she meant any harm, she was only doing what she thought was best. So I went to meetings and was accepted felt very at home. After leaving treatment I found a home group and continued going for a time.
Well I relapsed because I was so called powerless, what a bunch of crap but I still kept coming back. A lot of these people were so ego driven it was unreal, but I was still accepted at the time.
Eventually some nutcase at the group decided to burn the hall down, after that I didn't go back until years later. During that time my drinking became a lot worse, I also got involved with meth, my whole life went down the toilet. I did things I'm not proud of and was homeless for a short time.
After this I guess that was my so called bottom so I went back to A.A. That's when I was about 24, but this time it was a very different. Due to all my drinking and drug use I had not been taking very good care of myself, to be blunt I looked like shit and my mental state wasn't much better. I was very suicidal as well. This time in A.A. almost from the start I was shunned and dissed by the people who claimed to have years of sobriety but I hung in there "keep coming back".
I felt even worse about myself and started to have relapses due to the degrading way I was treated there. One thing I've noticed about A.A. is that the people who stick with the program are often extremely self-centered arrogant and egocentric people who are also very coldhearted.
Another thing is that many of them are violent thugs guilty of murder, rape, child molestation among other things and many of them continue in this behavior years after being sober. I even met a hit man who would kill people and then come in the meeting and talk about how grateful he was to be sober.
I went to meetings off and on for the next couple years. I did make friends there but my sponsor began spreading personal things about me. Because I couldn't stick with the program I was told I am mentally ill and maybe A.A. wasn't for me and my life would never get any better this was coming from people I really looked up to, I felt so hurt and hopeless.
The last straw was when I became very emotional in a candlelight meeting and started to cry, after the meeting the same people who were supposed to be friends completely ignored me and from that moment on it just got worse. So I left the program never to return and drink and drink, my goal was to commit suicide.
None of the so-called friends I made so much as called me to see if I was alright.
Like I said that was four years ago, I'm 31 now and I've had some time to reflect. First of all I don't believe alcoholism is a disease but learned behavior, many of these thugs love A.A because they don't have to take responsibility for there actions, they have a disease. I've seen many other people also shunned in the program, some committed suicide.
One lady friend of mine, after being 13th stepped, drank herself to death and died on Christmas Eve alone in her apartment. Not one person showed any remorse or concern "we are not responsible for another person's sobriety".
Since leaving A.A. I've been trying to recover from recovery and find the strength within myself. I still drink but not as much as I used to, it has been hard but hopefully it will get better. A word of advice for those who are considering A.A, don't go you'll be worse of than you were before.